Hello, old friend

It's been some time since I've written a blog entry and I feel like kind of guilty for not writing one sooner. I thought about blog topics, things to write, things I was experiencing that I should perhaps share with the world. But I didn't. I felt like I was treating this blog like an old friend I was meaning to catch up with. You keep telling yourself, 'I need to call So&So," and then you never do. You either forget or say maybe tomorrow or just don't feel like it. But I'm finally writing one, so one cool point for me.

I've been trying to figure out what to do with this thing, this blog. I still haven't figured out how I can make it my own. I think it's been somewhat random, which fits me to a T, so I guess that is me making it my own. But I didn't want every blog entry to be a big old article. I just want variety. So I'm going to try and write little stuff now and then. Well, the key word is 'try'.

Something else I wanted to do was start posting some of my art on here. I've been slowly starting to take pictures of my artwork and and started making art more frequently. I've been posting all of that on my Facebook page, so I why not post some on here?

This is a painting I made back in February.  I've been thinking about getting some professional contact cards made, so I got it put on the back of my contact card.  I don't know the exact dimensions, but it's done in watercolor and ink.  It's based on my Gemini persona and I decided to use the sun and the moon as the symbolism of the different sides of me. I did this in a day, so it wasn't as finished as I originally wanted, but I think it went well.

Well, that's my time.  I've got work in the morning.  Maybe a blog entry soon . . . ish???

P.S.  I changed the colors of my blog (so it won't be so blinding) and my banner (also my artwork).   Did you notice, random-person-that-might-look-at-my-blog?

Cultural Tapestry

I've been thinking about what I wanted to write for Black History Month (for those random people who might come across this blog, yes, I am black. Hence the title of the blog 'Nappy Nomad'. Crazy, huh?). There were sooooooo many things I could write about. I could talk about the importance--or the sometimes insignificance--of Black History in schools and in life . I could talk about the whitewashing going on book covers and in publishing in general . And on a totally unrelated-to-Black-History tip, I could have spoken about how some sad, crazy woman wrote a book telling women to settle for guys without telling them this may result in homicide and suicide.

But I don't think I should. Not because I don't think those aren't super interesting topics, but because around Black History Month, I start thinking about my own experiences as a black person. Everyone, especially the media and the some of the crazies attach to it, lump people together and if one person of color or of a gender or of a religion thinks or acts a certain way, then hey, the rest must act and think the same way. Unfortunately, that's the way the world works. However, I know that what being black means to one person doesn't apply to me. I've seen it time and time again when I hear someone black say something and expect me to agree with them when I clearly do not. So I guess I want to be self-centered and just talk about how me being Black has been for me.

If someone asked me what type of people have made me question myself as a black person more than anyone else, I would say other black people. Now, hold up before you start yelling, let me explain. Growing up, I didn't experience a lot of racism. I had one or two experiences when another person of a different race did something or acted a certain way that I saw as racist. But most of those were few and far between, so I didn't really think about those. However, when I turned about ten or eleven, I started getting called 'white girl' by other black people, mostly kids my age or a little older. Hell, my own cousins called me that when they thought I couldn't hear them. And 'white girl' was not a compliment. I was proper in the way I spoke, I was nerdy; I read encyclopedias; I was awkward as hell; I was a string bean of a girl; I kind of did stuff differently just to be different; I played video games a lot; I didn't want to dress grown up like a lot of girls I knew did; and I wasn't completely into hip-hop and music videos like most of my peers were (I was more into R&B at that point. I didn't really get into hip-hop until the end of high school/beginning of college). I was an oddball compared to a lot of my peers. And when you're the oddball, people point it out. So I became the 'white girl' to people.

I see it as silly now. But back then, I was in the self-conscious state that is tweendom, and I thought I was doomed. I didn't want to change who I was. I wasn't perfect, sure, but all in all, I liked who I was, nerdiness and all. But when you're getting picked on for not acting like everyone else, it makes you feel inept. I questioned myself as a black person. I wondered if the guys I liked would ever like me because I wasn't as 'black' as the other girls. I wondered if I would be popular because I didn't fit into the norm with the other popular black girls. I questioned how I would get through life as the 'other' white girl. Later, that feeling inept at being black just made me feel inept at being a girl and then at being a person. I questioned everything. I kind of thought of myself as worthless, though I put on a front like I didn't. I kind of hated myself. Even after people stopped messing with me about it, I still put down myself. It wasn't until I got to college that I let it go and decided I would be me, like it or not, and be happy with who I am and with what I have.

It's gotten A LOT better, but I'm still working on it.

As for my life now, I'm still nerdy; I read a lot of articles; I'm random as hell; and I kind of do stuff differently just to be different. Those things haven't changed, though the other things have been modified. I'm not that proper, though I do have my 'professional voice'. I'm not a string bean of a girl anymore (I have boobs and a butt. I prayed for them when I was eleven and twelve. Yep, prayer works.) I don't play video games as much, though it's mostly because I haven't bought a new ones in a while. I dress how I want to dress. I listen to all kinds of music, though not a lot of club hits because repeatedly hearing them makes me want to crash my car into someone else. So I'm kind of the same, but different. And yep, still black. No, I'm not the popular girl. Found that I wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I've had guys that I like like me when I finally let it happen. And I'm getting through life okay, though it could be better. Who do you know doesn't want a better life?

So what was the point of me writing all of this? Well, let me tell you, my friend. Yes, I am black. I will always be black. Yet, I am not the stereotypical black person, whatever that means. But then again, most black people aren't. We all have different quirks and interests. We talk differently, we listen to different music, eat different food, dress differently, and most of all, we think and live different. The culture of black people in America is still in its infancy and people are always trying to define what being black is. I think something people, especially black people, should do is embrace all that is black, even if it's not you. I'm not saying you have to completely agree to it all (I know I don't), but just accept that it is maybe one of the many, many threads that makes up our cultural tapestry. And it is quite beautiful

That's it for me. Hopefully, I can get of my lazy butt and write another blog. Until then:

Your other white girl,
T.L.D.

On the Fence

Right now, I'm trying to figure out the right things to say and do. With this blog, for instance, I don't know what direction I want to take it in. I see issues in the world and feel the need to say something, but then I wonder if I should. There are plenty of other people saying and they are saying it better than me. And honestly, I don't know if I see the point of me adding to it.

Then again, I feel like sometimes just one person saying something and one other person reading about it might start a chain of events. I hear about something that concerns me, I write about, one person may read it, and it might change how they think about things. Or they might pass this knowledge to someone else. So even though I hate to clog the airwaves with more on a certain subject, if I have the words in me, I should speak.

That is my future plans for this blog.

As for life . . .ugh . . .don't know. I'm still, as always, trying to figure out what I want to do with myself. I feel like I don't know what my purpose is. I know someone people that are really dedicated to music or painting or writing or sports or film. They focus on this one interest and just run with me. With me, well, I'm all over the place. I dabble in this, I dabble in that. But the issue is that makes me decent in different things, but never really great at one thing. I don't think there's anything wrong with having multiple interests and participating in different things from time to time. Yet, I think I should find one or two things and try to get better at those.

What's on the table for me as options are film, writing, and art. Like I said, I dabble. But I'm beginning to realize that I need to make one the primary skill, one secondary, and one just something I do for fun. Which ones? Hmm . . . don't know. These are my thoughts for the moment. I'm still tossing the idea of grad school around. But in order for me to get into grad school, I need to prove that I am a really creative person. I think that my art and writing could help me do that. Eventually, I want to take a class or two in film so I can add that to my resume, but for some reason, art and writing seem like the things I want to do. So I'll try to stay focused on those.

As always, I am still trying to figure out my way.

Truth

So I was thinking about the New Year. Hell, the New Decade. Everyone is Facebook is talking the resolutions, about how they'll do this and how they'll do that this year and then telling other people what they should do this year. I wasn't going to make any resolutions. I just feel like they are worthless since I never do any of them. Then today, I was watching a Lifetime movie (yes, I am greatly ashamed) and it was about a girl afraid to speak up, so she was just quiet. And I understood that. I'm not quiet per se, but I don't always say the things I am thinking and feeling because I think no one will care. That's mainly because in the past, people haven't cared or gotten really defensive if I said something they didn't like. It just made me feel unspecial and made me feel like it didn't matter what I said.

But this past week or two, I've gotten in contact with some people I haven't talked to in a while and me being in contact with them ignited these old feelings I've had and not the good kind. And I felt myself getting so angry. I mean, I was kind of mad at these people for whatever reason, but then I thought that was stupid. I was really mad at myself for not telling these people how I felt about certain things.

So after Lifetime (ugh) taught me something, I decided to give myself one New Year's resolution: to be more truthful and ask the hard questions, even if it's awkward and even if it hurts. It's going to be super hard and I know I'm going to slip up and punk out from time to time, but I think if I can be a little more truthful and honest this year, even by 1%, then I've grown some.

As my first bit of truthfulness, I ask anyone out there this: when did you realize your friends sucked? Not all your friends. But some or maybe even one. A best friend, a casual friend, a lifelong friend, a college friend, a high school friend, a guy friend, a girl friend, a special friend? When did you realize they were just as human and stupid and crazy as you? And when did you realize they may never change? What did you do then? Did you just stay with them and suck it up? Or did you cut them off? Or both?

I have cut out some of my sucky friends, the ones I thought did me the worst harm. With others, we just grew apart, as people do. But there are a few more. Some of them have always been there and some of them come and go just to turn up all over again. With some people, I know we are just hitting a rough patch and if we both work at it, we will grow. For others, I know they are not the best for me and they will probably never change. Not that they are bad people. But some people just bring you down. Some do it on purpose, some on accident. What they say and what they do are two different things. So now I have the ask myself this: do I give them the chance to see if our relationships can grow into something better or do I cut them off? I've decided that before I do cut them off, like I tend to do from time to time, I need to ask them questions that are going to suck to ask, but are necessary if anything is going to change. I'm not going to start flooding them with questions. I've tried that before, doesn't work. But if I sense that I have a question about something, I need to ask it to give myself some peace of mind.

We shall see how it goes.

And the winner is . . .

Yep, I am an official winner of National Novel Writing Month. It feels good to not have to lug my laptop everywhere and it is nice not to worry about writing a certain amount of words every single day. Now, my novel is not finish, though I did reach 50,000 (in fact, it is not even CLOSE to finished). So I plan on taking a two or three week break from writing. In between that, I want to start thinking about changes I was thinking about making when I was writing and whatnot. Also, I plan on playing on my new Xbox 360. I got 'Assassin's Creed 2' and I plan on playing to TONIGHT.



We had Thanksgiving at my house this year and that totally put my word count behind. Over the weekend, I had to write about 8,000 words just to catch up. It made my brain hurt. But the holiday went well. Let's list some cool things that happened:

• My little cousin, Daniel, is autistic, but now that he is going to school, he has gotten much better at communicating. On Thanksgiving, he held my hand for the first time and he gave me a high five


• I got to see my Aunt Ray, my cousin, David, and my cousin-in-law, Nicole. Last time I saw them, it was under sad circumstances, so it was nice to see them at a happier time


• I made sweet potato pie for the first time. They were a little soft because I did not leave them in the oven long enough, but they still tasted good. I got the flavor seal of approval from my Granny, which was great since it was her recipe


• I got to see all of my cousins on my mom's side, which was awesome


• I got to hold my little baby cousin, Kaylee, though she was fussy because she had a cold


• I didn't have to go to work on Friday


• I decided to just buy me an Xbox 360 Arcade since I already had a hard drive. And I found someone who might refurbish my old 360 so I can sell it for extra cash.


• Saw 'I've Loved You So Long'. It's a good movie

There is probably more, but that's all I can think of for now. My brain is still kind of broken from my power writing over the weekend. Now, I get to relax a little before Christmas, read some books (finally!), and play some video games (double finally!).



Sigh . . . good times.

New Poem: Entertainer

I wrote this poem today called 'Entertainer'. I haven't decided who it is directed to and maybe I won't. Maybe it's directed at one person, maybe more than one, maybe it's directed at the world. Honestly, I am not sure. I just know that it came from me and right now, that's enough.

Entertainer
I use to be able
To recite poetic lines,
Pull my mouth,
Tilt my eyes,
Be a peacock
Strutting across your
Stage
For your laughter,
For your applause,
For your praise.
I could speak
Other languages
Like they were my
Native tongue
And lunge and
Dance across your
Stage
Like I have been
Doing it since
Birth
All
For your laughter,
For your applause,
For your praise.

But that was not
Enough,
Was it?

Everything I did was,
To you,
The same old hat,
The same old trick
And you picked
Other acts to
See.
Different acts
Than me.
Yet,
That did not
Stop me.

No,
I pulled out all the
Stops,
All my best lines,
My best expressions,
My best moves,
All for you to
Laugh gaily at me
Again,
To clap uproariously at me
Again,
To praise me,
To love me,
To worship me
Again.

But you didn't.
And now

I have forgotten
All the lines
And
All the steps
And
All the emotions.

If I cannot be
Your Entertainer,
I don't know
Who I am
Anymore.

Well, I am in my third week of writing for NaNoWriMo and I am half way through the 50,000 words. But, boy, is it frustrating! I want to stop writing so bad. Mainly, it's because I now 75%, if not more, of what I'm writing will not be in the final draft. And then there are the changes I'm already making in my head. Some of the changes are exciting, but it's also just nerve racking. Furthermore, I'm at 25,000 words, but I'm still at the beginning of my story. I feel like a crazy person for that. I have no idea what I have been writing to have that happen. I think my little outline is partially to blame. I've been trying to squeeze all this information and scenery and interior dialogue in all at once and it has made my story obese. So what do I do now? Right now, I'm just writing and praying for an awesome rewriting/editing time. I'm already taking notes on what I want to change and what doesn't work and whatnot.



Right now, I'm so tired and all I want to do is sleep for a week and then go on vacation to somewhere warm with a beach for another week. Let's hook me up with that, Universe. Please and thank you.